I Am Only Good If Others Fail

There once was a contractor that had two good carpenters. The contractor gave them equal amount of work before he went on vacation saying: “I need you to finish installing cabinets in two homes along with the base boards, and if you can start framing the new house we just took on.” Both carpenters said: “Yes we will do that.”

 
The first carpenter was flying through the first house everything was going so well. He thought to himself: “Hey, if I can rip off these two houses pretty quick, then I can have a bit of a break before framing the other house.”

The second carpenter though struggled her way through the first house and had family related issues to boot. The first carpenter was aware of his co-workers problems but was unwilling to help, he thought to himself: “In comparison to her I am doing great. And anyways why do I need to help her, she wouldn’t help me out if I was in a jam!”

The contractor came back from vacation and called the two carpenters into his office for a meeting. The contractor addressed the second carpenter before she could even speak, he said: “I know you struggled with house number one because they gave you the wrong base boards and you had to wait two days for them to ship you the right ones. You also had to take time off because your husband has been diagnosed with cancer, I am so sorry. But you finished house number one and though your late going on house number two, everything seems to be running well. I want you to take time to be with your family and thank you for your hard work. You will always have a job here, so don’t worry I will help you.”

Then the contractor turned and said to the first carpenter with a rather stern tone: “You on the other hand refused to help your fellow co-worker, and you knew her circumstances, and you were ahead of schedule anyways! You were so far ahead of schedule if you wanted you could’ve framed house number three. Did you forget that you work for me? Did you forget that she is your co-worker not your competition? As a result of your selfishness our competitors have beat us to the punch on a couple of projects. Because you are only looking out for yourself, you can take time off and find another job!”

Measuring our success based upon others failures is a poor way of measuring success. When we want others to fail so that we will get noticed and promoted, we are, despite all the false humility and bravado, showing the selfishness of our hearts. Have you ever said to God: “Well hey at least I am not like them!” or “Compared to them I am doing quite well.” I tend to think God doesn’t buy that kind of posture.

What are your thoughts? Let’s dialogue!

Depending On, Responsible to, and Loved By

There once was a man who inherited his fathers business. It was a successful business, but this man knew he could take it to new heights, and he did. The problem was this man did absolutely everything in the company. According to him there was no room for error so in order to make sure everything went according to plan he micro managed his employees. To some of the employees this drove them nuts because they felt as though they were not trusted, and they weren't. Some employees though did not care that the man did everything as long as they got paid they could handle the belittling.

This man had no time for a family, for a wife and kids would only get in the way of his ambition, his goal to be rich. His friends were merely fair weather friends they could care less about him and he could care even less about them.

Then one day this ambitious man died. At his funeral one of these fair weather friends of his delivered the eulogy only saying: "He was a self-reliant man, responsible unto himself, he made a fortune just look at his nice casket."

Depending on people is not a weakness, it is a strength. Codependency is a psychological condition that wrecks relationships, being dependent on people is different. I am dependent on my wife to help me with things in my life and my wife depends on me to help her. At the same time I am responsible to my wife. There are certain things I have to do, she is holding me accountable there is nothing wrong with that. And lastly I know that I am loved by my wife.

This man in this story was dependent on nobody and was responsible to nobody, but also was loved by nobody. I think that in good healthy relationships there is dependence, responsibility, and love. Think about this, we are dependent on God, responsible to God, and loved by God, is God also dependent on us, responsible to us, and loved by us?

If you want to be a lone ranger type person who depends on nobody, and your only responsibility is to yourself, fine have it your way, but who are you loved by? And further more can you even give and receive love from others?

Big thanks to one of my professors that was teaching on this stuff, loved it, and treasure the teaching!

Thanks,
Sean

Let Other Peoples Yes be Yes and No be No

All through my childhood I constantly would ask my parents for things, or permission to go or do whatever, this is normal. However, a lot of times I wouldn't really be asking my parents if I could go here or there, have this or that, I was actually telling them what I wanted and when I wanted it. And if my parents didn't comply with my demand that came under the pretense of a question I would try and manipulate them by throwing a temper tantrum, act sad, ect... And these manipulations that I tried hardly if ever worked at making my parents comply to my demands. Alas it is quite hard to manufacture consent (also a name of a Noam Chomsky book) out of your parents when your nine years old.

This method though of trying to get people to do what you want them to do under the pretense of a question unfortunately doesn't end in childhood, in fact as adults we get better at manufacturing consent. We still demand things of people yet subtly hide the demand in the form of a question. I remember at a previous job I had where people would ask for time off from the boss, and if the boss said no, the person would just call in sick those days. You see the person who is asking for the time off wasn't really asking, they were telling the boss "hey I am not coming into work these days." But you can't just tell your boss when your coming into work, and how your holidays are going to work and the boss simply complies with your demands. Rather it is whether or not you request complies with the company.

 There seems to be an understanding within the Bible that people are given free will (to what degree is subject to theological debate, of which this blog won't settle the issue). Were told by Jesus to ask, seek, and knock in our relationship with God but I believe also with each other (Matt 7:7). When you ask someone a question allow there yes to be yes and their no to be no. But in order for you to allow for a persons free response, you have to go to them with no pretense. You have to be willing to accept the answer they are willing to give you. Sometimes it is not the answer you want to hear, but you would not want somebody to manipulate you into responding the way they want you to respond. You see it is the lesson that doesn't end in childhood and that is you have to be ok with not getting your way. If Jesus says "let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Matt 5:37) then we have to allow for people to honestly live that out.

The only way I see this happening in healthy relationships is through honest conversation, where the goal is not to manufacture consent through manipulation. The goal is rather to build trust, honesty, vulnerability, and respect. I for one am a much more agreeable person when someone respects my free will enough to allow my yes to be yes and my no to be no. But I get upset when someone is actually telling me something, but it is under the guise of a question. I would rather people shoot straight with me meaning if you want to tell me something tell me, but allow me to respond without any manipulation. What I have discovered in my life is that when I allow other's yes's to be yes's and their no's to be no's, and I let my yes be yes and no be no, I am more free to ask, seek and knock with God and with others. I am a less contentious, and pretentious, when I am doing this right. When I actually practice what I preach here my relationship with God is clear because I have a clearer understanding of him as my heavenly father that loves me enough to say no sometimes.

Thanks,
Sean

Yield

One of my favorite bands of all time is Pearl Jam, and one of my favorite albums is their album Yield. On the cover of Yield is a picture of an empty highway with a yield sign on it. Eddie Vedder (Lead singer) described the picture as a metaphor for life in that sometimes life is going by so fast that sometimes you need to yield and let take it all in.

When I look at the album cover the message the picture sends resonates with me. Our world is increasingly fast paced, every industry, every facet of life is essentially looking for expediency. Our culture has equated expediency with good quality service. Now when I go to a fast food restaurant I want my service to be prompt I have no problem with that, it is what I am looking for. When I take my car into the shop I want it out quick, and done right. Nothing is wrong with wanting prompt service, especially out of industries that market themselves that way. The problem is when we want all life to move like that, or worse when we treat all areas of life like that.

Prayer for example is a deeply intimate conversation and encounter with God, (at least that's what I think it is, and want it to be). A lot of times though I want to rush my conversation with God, get it over with (I know sounds awful). Woefully instead of my prayer being this conversation it turns into a monologue, me being the one speaking. Instead of yielding to the moment and being quiet and just being with God, I always find myself pressed to get on with it. The challenge is to really "be still and know that I(God) am God" (Psalm 46:10). Despite life being busy I know that I can find moments to be still.


Relationships as well cannot just be rushed, friendships take time and intentionality. Sometimes in relationships we have to yield from saying what we think the other person wants to hear, to truly listen to what they really are saying. Often enough in conversations I feel as though I have been heard but not listened to. And well sometimes in conversations I have found myself as the other person is talking already thinking of what I am going to say next.

Now I don't like the feeling of silence but I appreciate the effect it has on me, silence for me somehow puts some things in perspective. Perhaps for me to become a better listener, I will need to take a drive down an ol' highway where there is hardly any traffic and just yield and take in all the sights and sounds.

Thanks,
Sean

Proverbs of an age we live in

The other day, I was taking my dog for a walk around the park when I saw this quote etched in yellow chalk on the walkway in front of me.

"Time that you enjoy wasting is not time wasted."

This picture wasn't there but how impressive would that have been?

It struck me that this quote (attributed to John Lennon ... and I just know there's a bed-in Joke here somewhere but I'm not that clever this morning ... ) resounds with this particular chalk artist for one reason. It sums up the attitude of this age perfectly.